Do you have a friend or coworker who seems to purposefully ignore you, cut conversations short, or look right past you at social gatherings? If this is the case, you may be wondering whether you are wise or paranoid. If, on the other hand, you have made a concerted effort to connect with such a person more than once, you may be correct in your assessment that such behavior indicates avoidance rather than inadvertence. Selective dismissal is very unpleasant when the person who isn’t interested in associating with you responds to others.
For many people, indifference is the ultimate insult. Some people remember the sting of a (former) best friend’s assessment of your high school crush’s significance: “She/he doesn’t even know you exist.” Ouch. The sense of insignificance aggravates the situation. Is there another reason for someone who clearly knows you to be apathetic?
Comparing Forbidden Fruit with Friendship Material
There are several factors to consider before embarking on a romantic relationship with someone. Your resistance to getting to know a gorgeous person could be explained by the fact that you should avoid getting to know someone who is already involved in a relationship. The indicators that someone is not interested in their advances should be regarded carefully, as a prosecutor for stalkers is well aware of. But why might someone avoid you if there are no extenuating circumstances? To put it simply, what they think you want from them may be the reason.
In Romantic Relationships, How Detecting Interest Leads to Avoidance
Dealing with distant neighbors and coworkers may be easy to accept as a part of the job or the environment. A person who appears distant, on the other hand, may believe, correctly or incorrectly, that you are romantically interested.
Because they are already in a love relationship, many people avoid those who pay them attention or compliments beyond polite conversation. Others, on the other hand, are vehemently opposed to it. Many people are completely content with their lives, families, and friends and have no desire for anything else—from anyone. These people are wonderful friends and companions, but they will avoid long conversations or social advances from others who appear to be pressuring them for more. Don’t you think so? Consider how you would react if a coworker asked you personal questions rather than professional ones.
Understanding that someone is rejecting the concept of a relationship rather than you will help you avoid taking it personally. You haven’t lost your touch, looks, or charisma; hopefully, the only thing you’ve lost is your interest in someone who isn’t interested in you back.
In situations when perceptions influence reality.
Perception and evolution play a role in selective avoidance as well. Women’s strategies for avoiding rapists were examined in research by Pavol Prokop (2013). [I] However, the study looked at the behavioral techniques women adapt to avoid coercive men, rather than assuming that every guy is guilty of rape. Prokop discovered that women who were physically stronger and in a committed romantic relationship reported increased rape avoidance behavior because of evolutionary reasons. Prokop found that older women reported more rape avoidance behavior than younger women, which was surprising because evolution predicted that the latter would be the case.
Specifically, how does this alter social behavior? Since most guys are not rapists, it is clear that this is not the case. Research shows that some women limit their exposure to male aggressiveness by avoiding male-dominated places and even “habit-selecting” their daily routines to avoid contact with males altogether.
It’s possible that there are other reasons for avoiding situations. Because of their marital status, some women may avoid socializing with strangers or even accepting drinks from guys they don’t know at a party or club. Men who are outgoing, outspoken, or just nice may find that their lack of receptivity is not related to criminal categorization but rather to their devotion to their relationships.
Choosing What to Pay Attention To
Similarly, we can identify selective attention and selective indifference. Associating with people who exhibit real, selective interest in spending time with you frees you up to pursue healthy connections with people who have little to do with you personally.
Other Reasons People Ignore You and What You Can Do About It
You may be silent or unsure of what to say.
Here’s the issue with remaining silent: People usually don’t realize you’re silent because you’re timid or don’t know what to say (or, like me, because you’re an overthinker).
Instead, they believe you are silent because you do not want to speak with them. So they believe that by leaving you alone, they will be doing you a favor.
Another issue is that if people try to communicate to you but you just respond with short responses, you aren’t “rewarding” them for making the effort to speak with you. They may even feel abandoned and unwilling to try again.
SOLUTION:
I propose that you improve on your communication skills or shyness first if you know you’re quiet, over-think things, or are bashful. If you do, your issues with being neglected will most likely go away.
I also suggest reading my advice on how to figure out what to say. You might also be interested in reading my guide on overcoming social anxiety.
If you work too hard, you may appear desperate.
One of the reasons people avoided me was that I made too many attempts to make friends, and it was obvious. Later in life, I’ve had the opposite experience: when someone appears overly eager to talk to me, I get the impression that they are desperate. As a result, I’m less likely to strike up a conversation with them.
At the same time, you don’t want to appear distant or unwilling to initiate conversation. So, how do you assert your authority without appearing desperate?
SOLUTION:
Continue to be proactive by bringing up topics of conversation with others. Simply put, don’t rush through it. It’s the same concept as before, but with the intensity dialed down a notch or two. Stop boasting or humblebragging to prove yourself. As a result, the polar opposite occurs.
Rather than attempting to convey my entire personality on the first day, I wait for weeks or months. I didn’t force the conversation; rather, I began it when it felt right. To put it another way, I “smeared out” my efforts and inquiries over a longer time span. People were more willing to talk to me after I stopped appearing needy.
Take your time being social and proactive. Never seek approval from others. As a result, you’ll be more appealing.
You could be waiting for someone to notice you first.
Another blunder I committed:
Because I was frequently ignored, I grew accustomed to expecting others to acknowledge me first. This stemmed from insecurity: I wanted to wait for others to be nice to me first in order to avoid rejection. People instead mistook me for unfriendly and arrogant.
Here’s what I found out:
- Dare to be the first person to greet others.
- Dare to be warm right away (smile and ask friendly questions) If I wasn’t sure whether someone I met the previous time would remember me, I dared to be warm and confident. “Hello! “It’s good to see you again!” (This is ALWAYS appreciated and is far preferable to ignoring them out of insecurity.)
- Being friendly and warm does not imply being needy.
You could be bothersome or eccentric.
One of the pillars of social skills is the ability to establish rapport. That is, being able to recognize a situation and act appropriately. People who don’t establish rapport tend to irritate those around them.
Being able to express various aspects of who we are is a fundamental part of what it means to be human. You act differently when you’re with your grandmother than when you’re with your friends, and that’s fine.
Personally, I think it’s beautiful and amazing that you can connect with people on a deep level by picking up on their mood and letting out a part of your personality that matches.
Here are some examples of breaking rapport that can cause people to ignore you:
- Speaking much more or much less than others
- Being excessively high or excessively low in energy
- Talking about topics that others aren’t interested in
- When no one else is around, I start swearing a lot.
- Trying to be cool or aloof when others are being nice
- And so forth…
The list could go on and on. We simply cannot memorize all of these things, and having a list of ways to act would be phony. Instead, here’s how I think about rapport: Consider how someone is. In other words, how would you act if you wanted to imitate that person? Are they soft-spoken? calm? Intense?
When we think about it, we have a surprisingly good understanding of how someone feels, don’t we? Bring forward the part of you that is also soft-spoken, calm, or intense the next time you meet. The wonder of being human is that we have all of these aspects within us. Rapport is about using them when they are appropriate.
When you do this, you will connect with people on a deeper level, and they will want to be around you more.
You could be a negative or low-energy person.
Being constantly negative or low-energy is another way to break rapport, but because it’s such a common reason for being ignored, I’d like to bring it up specifically.
It’s okay to be negative or depressed from time to time, but don’t make it a habit.
Here are some examples of people who have a negative attitude:
- Not smiling or expressing joy
- Not being grateful to your friends
- Quietness and one-word responses to questions
- Being overly pessimistic
- Getting into a fight with someone who says something positive
- Why is low energy or negativity so damaging? Because that energy will have an impact on people. We avoid people who emit negative emotions because we want to avoid them.
This isn’t about being annoyingly upbeat or overly energetic. It’s about being able to pick up on other people’s energy and positivity levels and being in the same ballpark.
You may appear tense.
This was also a mistake on my part. I couldn’t figure out why people approached and conversed with my friends but not with me. It took me years to realize that whenever I was uncomfortable, I would get a stern look on my face that said, “Don’t talk to me.”
You can conduct a reality check by asking your friends if you appear angry or stern in social situations. If you find yourself doing this, remind yourself to relax your face and dare to greet people with a smile instead.
You might come across as odd.
Another blunder I made was attempting to be unique by using odd humor that people didn’t understand. They weren’t sure whether I was joking or not, which made them uncomfortable.
You may speak excessively or only ask questions.
Talking too much and asking too many questions about the other person become tiresome quickly. We want to strike a balance between probing questions and sharing details about our own lives.
People are not obligated to socially assist you. You must learn the social code on your own. The good news is that you’ll be rewarded with a thriving social life if you do.
